Another 24 Minutes!
by Mike Collins
Summary: It's my first attempt at a spoof, so please be gentle, and please take it in the spirit it was meant... I'm a 24 fan myself! Please read and review, cheers.


DISCLAIMER: All of these people are the property of someone else, except for Pete Sampras, who presumably owns himself. Please don't sue me anybody.  
  
"I am Federal Agent Jack Bauer. There is a plot to kill the President, my daughter has been kidnapped, and people that I work with may be involved in both. This is the longest day of my life.  
  
I'm not in right now, so please leave a message and I'll get back to you."  
  
"Dammit!" Michelle shrieked as she slammed down the phone. Tony shuffled over, trying to juggle his own cell phone, his Chicago Cubs mug, a pair of crutches and a permanent expression of polite bewilderment. "What is it, Michelle?" he asked. "It's Jack," Michelle replied. "He's not answering his phone again. You know what this means, right?" Tony stared intensely at a point about three feet to Michelle's right. "Well, it can't be a dead battery. That never happens to CTU phones,"  
  
"What are we going to do, Tony?" Michelle asked, hoping nobody remembered the brief appearance she made in series one of The West Wing. Tony glared at the wall. "Type rapidly into your computer and look busy," he said. "If anybody comes over to you and asks what you are doing, lie through your teeth and look suspicious." "OK."  
Tony wandered off with that same befuddled look on his face. Michelle proceeded to hit the enter and space keys on her computer in quick succession, picking up the phone every now and again and trying to sneak conspiratorial glances at everyone else.  
  
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"What are you doing, honey?" asked Jack. "Just putting on some wildly inappropriate clothes, Daddy!" answered Kim. "After all, you never know what trouble I'll get into next!" She opened the door of her closet and was immediately attacked by three masked men with large guns. Jack burst in through the doorway and shot the three men in the head, without seeming to aim at them at all; he was a really good shot. Kim started crying, bending over slightly so that her cleavage would show more prominently. Jack pulled out his cell phone, and dialled a number. Kim's cell phone rang. "Daddy?" she cried, sounding weak and pathetic. "Is that you?" "Yeah, honey, it's me, are you ok?" Jack responded from three feet away. "I - I think so, but I'm so scared!" "I know sweetheart, it's all right. I gotta go, alright? There's gonna be another crisis or something in a minute." "Okay, bye." "I love you, munchkin. Bye." Jack put his phone back in his pocket and went down the stairs.  
  
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President Palmer sat at his desk in some nondescript underground military bunker. There were lots of computers and phones and military men standing around tables, looking serious and holding folders. "I want to be the most sincere President of the United States ever, " said President Palmer. "How should I do that?" "I've got an idea," said his new Chief of Staff. "How about, you say everything in the same dead tone of voice? The monotony of your speech will make you sound just boring enough to be sincere." "That's. a. great. idea." said President Palmer in a dull monotone. "What. are. you. doing.?" he asked his COS. "Don't worry, sir, " he replied. "I'm just busy making a list of all staff who are loyal to you in any way, so I can have them killed. You don't have to worry about it." "Fine." said President Palmer, ".carry. on." The Chief walked out of the room, cackling madly.  
  
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"CTU Almeyda." "Tony its Jack." "What can I do for you Jack?" asked Tony. "I need a favour, Tony, but nobody at CTU can know about it. Can I trust you?" Tony looked around at the others in CTU. Everybody was looking at each other, holding suspicious phone calls and tapping frantically on their computers, except for a couple of low pay extras who were mopping the floor. "What do you need Jack?" "I need to find some real good hardcore porn, Tony. My local video store is just lousy lesbian tits out crap, and you never see the real hard stuff. I need you to log into the CIA database and steal some for me, and then download it into my fancy in-car computer thingy. Can you do that for me?" "When do you need this Jack? Is it important?" "Godammit Tony it's the most important thing that you will ever do, do you understand? How do you think I function twenty-four hours a day without seeming to get tired or need to go to the toilet? You have to do this for me, Tony." "Okay, Jack. Any animal stuff or -" "Just humans, Tony. Call me when you have something." "Okay."  
  
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Chappelle from District was sitting in his office, bemoaning his lack of good looks and hair, when the phone rang. "Chappelle," he answered in a self-important voice. "This is the President's Chief of Staff," said the President's chief of staff. "Hello sir, what can I do for you?" Chappelle asked, looking at himself in the mirror and wishing he didn't look so much like Prince Edward. "We have a problem with Bauer," the man said. "Yeah, yeah, that remake of The Vanishing. I know what you mean, I mean why even cast Nancy Travis anyway? She was just the crappy girl from the Three men and A baby franchise!" "No, Mr Chappelle, I'm talking about something else. Can you meet me at a location forty miles away from you in about three minutes?" Chappelle considered it. "I should be able to," he said. "They can just put an ad break in the next five minutes." The Chief of Staff told him where to meet and they both hung up.  
  
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Kim Bauer was walking into the convenience store, in a very tight top, when a group of five terrorists, a giraffe, Pete Sampras, and the offensive line of the New York Giants stormed out of a big van outside and ran into the store. "This is a hold up!" said the Giants right tackle, pointing a large gun at the store manager. "Give us all your money!" shouted Sampras, and served a tennis ball at 130mph at the manager, breaking his nose. One of the terrorists turned to him and said, "Goddam, Pete, why'd you quit?" the others laughed. Then they saw Kim and kidnapped her. Kim began to cry, and bent over to show off her breasts again.  
  
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President Palmer sat at his desk in the military bunker. There was the occasional scream from outside as one of his trusted advisors was brutally written off. Suddenly his wife Sherry burst in. "David, what are you doing?" she exclaimed. "The Vice President/aka/Jim from Neighbours is getting very suspicious about you. What's this about stealing CIA porn to give to Jack Bauer?" David looked at his wife and smiled. "I. don't. have. to. tell. you. anything. Sherry." he said. "You're. just. a. woman.. And.all. the.women.in.this.TV programme.are.evil.or.pathetic." "Well, fine!" screamed Sherry and she stormed out of the room, shoving down her daughter on her way out, who fell over and started to cry. The President's son decided to take revenge and stabbed Sherry in the back with a breadknife, and Sherry fell to the floor, blood pouring from her head.  
  
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"You have reached the Counter Terrorist Unit emergency hotline! Unfortunately, all of our advisors are busy at the moment, or terrorist spies, or suicides, or extras, which means they're not allowed to speak. Please press (1) for nuclear bomb alert, (2) for major industrial company conspiracy, (3) for stolen CIA hardcore porn, or (4) for the lottery results." "Hmmm," said Jack, and pressed the 3 button on his phone. The giraffe, whom he had taken hostage whilst rescuing his daughter, started to move in the car so he stunned it with a karate chop, and shoved its long neck out of the sunroof. Pete Sampras had rather unfortunately caught Jack with a glancing blow, and a tennis ball was lodged inside his heart, causing Jack to have heart attacks every four seconds. There was a tap on the windscreen. Jack turned and saw a very large man with a very large gun, looking at him and grinning evilly. "Got you now, Ryan!" he shouted. "Wrong Jack, " replied Jack. "I'm Bauer." "Oh." The terrorist stalked off. Five yards down the street he was run down by the Giants O-line, frantically fleeing the scene. "Not the first time that's happened this season," Jack said with a chuckle. The giraffe didn't reply. Jack picked up his phone again. The theme from 'Halloween' was playing. "Guess I'm on hold," he said.  
  
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Chappelle stopped his car and got out. He was in a deserted underground parking lot, which was badly lit, with oil puddles here and there. One other car was parked in the car park. Two men got out of it. One was the Chief of Staff. His hair stood on end and his suit was badly wrinkled. He was drooling and grinning insanely. "What can I do for you, sir?" Chappelle asked. The Chief of Staff shook his head, coating Chappelle with spit. He seemed to pull himself together. "Sorry man, it's this porn we're keeping from Bauer. It's goddam crazy shit, all Japanese stuff. You have to keep it safe - but don't watch it! I've only had it four hours and look at me." Chappelle said, "I guess you do look pretty bad," "You should see the state of my dick," replied the lunatic. He turned and got back into the car. The other man handed Chappelle a briefcase. "Trust me man, the one with the milfs is pretty good!" His grin was even worse than the Chief's. Chappelle shuddered.  
  
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"Michelle." Michelle turned and saw Tony with his Cubs mug and a computer disk. He was staring with great directness at a point just beyond Michelle's left ear. "I want you to decode this disk for me, find out everything you can from it. How quickly can you get it done for me?" Michelle took the disk and looked at it. "Plot Synopsis for Twin Peaks" it said. Michelle looked up. "Are you serious?" she asked. "It's been two series Michelle! You should know by now I'm always serious." Tony wheeled around, stumbled on his crutches, righted himself, and limped away. Michelle sighed, then shifted guiltily as twelve people all looked at her at the same time. Just then, the phone rang. She picked it up. "CTU Dessler." "Michelle thank God, it's Jack." Bauer answered with relief in his voice. "Is Tony there?" "Um. he's pretty busy right now, Jack," Michelle replied. "Can I help?" "Only if you started talking dirty to me Michelle, and to tell the truth I never fancied you anyway. Get Tony to call me as soon as possible." He hung up. Michelle put the phone down with a look of exasperation.  
  
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Kim had been rescued by her father, but, rather foolishly, he had let her go back home with a CTU agent. Now she was lost in the woods with a couple of lions stalking her and the Giants right guard chasing her.  
  
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Jack was getting desperate. He had had no porn for two weeks and his testicles were beginning to swell. He decided to take drastic action. "Buckle up, pal," he told the giraffe, who fervently hoped there were no low bridges along the way, "we're going to CTU to get me some porn!" Jack put the car in gear and, tyres squealing, roared onto the road, throwing out the tennis ball that was causing him so much anxiety. Jack began accelerating down the road when a head popped up from underneath the giraffe. "Wow, this is so exciting!" said Pete Sampras. "Beating Agassi over a tough four setter on concrete has nothing on this!" He started firing off tennis balls at pedestrians, dropping bodies to the ground with frightening accuracy. Bauer began to see how he had been number one in the world for so long.. "Hey, Sampras!" he said. "You really wanna help, you can get rid of the giraffe." Sampras whooped with delight as he began to slowly shove the giraffe out of the car, and Jack laughed. "This sure beats Dennis Hopper pretending to be Yugoslavian!" he said.  
  
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Chappelle had succumbed to temptation, had picked out a magazine called Creamy Delights and began looking at it. Now he was in a bad way. His right arm ached and he was beginning to lose his vision. Also, strange hairy patches were beginning to show up on the palms of his hands. He was getting pretty scared. The President's Chief of Staff had allegedly jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge, claiming he was going to fly to the Playboy mansion in a hot air balloon in the shape of a giant breast; once there, he was going to eat Hefner's penis and become king of the world. Chappelle did not want to end up like that. Just then, Kim burst into the parking lot - quite literally - followed quickly by the Giant and one of the lions. Chappelle's eyes narrowed in lust, then the lion fell on him and tore out his throat. The Giant slipped in the blood and fell over, knocking himself out. Kim dashed for the car, jumped in through the open driver's door, and slammed it shut. She put the car in drive, and pulled out of the lot, not noticing the open briefcase on the seat next to her. "Gotta get to CTU" she said.  
  
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Jack, Pete Sampras and Kim arrived at CTU within minutes of each other. Luckily, Jack and Sampras arrived first. The giraffe, who had resisted all efforts to leave the car, was sent in first to act as a diversion. The screams indicating that the giraffe was doing its job to the letter (Jack had given it an MP5 to use, and a giraffe with a sub-machine gun is always scary), Jack and Sampras moved stealthily across the parking lot to the door. Suddenly they saw a strange figure, dressed in black, with a machine gun and night vision goggles, crawling across the floor in front of them. Jack tapped him on the shoulder and asked, "Who the hell are you?" The figure got up. "I'm Sam Fisher," he said, "the Splinter Cell." He put on his night vision goggles, and a faint whine sounded in the car park. "Take him out, Pete," said Jack. Sampras got out a tennis ball, screeched "NEW BALLS!" and launched a flat backhand at Fisher, who caught it on the side of the head and went down in a heap. A voice, seeming to come from the heavens, whispered "Game Over," and Fisher disappeared. Jack nodded. "Let's go," he said. When they got inside they saw that the giraffe had done exactly what Jack had hoped for. CTU was a mess, overturned tables, bleeding extras everywhere the eye could see. Jack and Sampras cautiously moved through the main room, looking for Almeyda. He was the only one with access to the porn Jack needed. Just then the main door opened, and President Palmer walked in, followed by Tony and Michelle. Michelle sighed again, rubbed her forehead meaningfully, and said, "Jack! Thank God you're ok. We thought the giraffe had got you," ".Yes." said President Palmer, ".we. thank. God. you're. ok." "There's a problem Jack," said Tony, all business, looking at his own nose. "We couldn't get the porn you were after. I'm afraid the Chief of Staff stole it, and then gave it to Chappelle." "Where is it now?" asked Jack with fear. "Goddamit Tony! If I don't get that porn I'll have to go back to spying on Kim in the shower!"  
  
Deathly silence followed. Jack looked sheepishly at the others. "Erm." he said slowly, " I didn't just say that out loud, did I?" Just then Kim burst in, with the briefcase full of porn. "Dad!" she shrieked "I'm so glad you're ok!. and that Tom Coughlin is taking over the Giants, but that's another matter entirely. I was so worried about you!" She flew into her father's arms. The others all looked a bit sick. Jack calmed Kim down, then got out his phone and dialled. Kim picked up her phone and said," Hello?" "It's me, honey, are you ok?" "Oh God, Daddy! I love you so much!" "I love you too, honeybunch. I'll talk to you later, ok?" "Ok, Daddy. I love you too," "Bye sweetmeats" "Bye Daddy" Jack put his phone away, walked over and picked up the briefcase Kim had dropped. He peeked inside and grinned. He looked up at the others. "Ok, everybody, you'll have to excuse me now. I need to go to the toilet!" 


End file.
